Fast Forward

2013 — I changed jobs for what I thought was a better opportunity for us just to quit after 6 months to go back to school. The boyfriend and 8 moved into our own place and just kept keeping on.

2014 — The year of change for us. January brought a new job for him which led to crazy hours and a whole lot of adjusting but we made it work. Then in February we got the most wonderful and amazing surprise of a lifetime.

We. Were. Finally. Pregnant. 

I don’t know what God had up his sleeve, but he knows that even miracles take a little time. My cycles never regulated out, thank you endometriosis so I thought I was further along and due in August but really was due on October 6th.

May meant college graduation and 10 weeks of clinicals and commute for my pregnant self. Talk about rough. I ended up in labor and delivery more times than I’d have liked, but a healthy baby was our goal.

September approached and we were in the home stretch of baby baking. Shit was getting real. Also, after almost 6 years together we decided to say I do in the most perfect way on a warm Sunday afternoon.

On October 1st at 11:18am, the most perfect blonde haired baby boy was brought into this world. He is my heart and soul, my reason to live and my everything. Hard to believe that he just turned TWO!! 

2015 — A sad year for us.  We moved, Hubster’s work slowed way down and we struggled. Hard. My grandfather passed away in July. In August we found out we were pregnant with our second baby, but lost it on October 12th. My mom almost died. It was a rough one.

2016 — I made the decision to go back to work and it by far was the hardest thing I ever had to do. That job didn’t pan out and I took another one close to home that was less hours and more time at home with my family. I also started having pelvic pain again and irregular cycles but I was brushed off by my obgyn. So long story short, (I’ll save the whole detailed account for another post) I’m scheduled for a hysterectomy November 1st. It’s not something I want, but have no choice in the matter. 
So that’s all folks, if you’ve made it this far you deserve a tall glass of bubbly. You’re more than welcome to follow me on this rollercoaster of a ride. 

It’s been too long

Sorry for being MIA for awhile guys. So much has been going on that I just haven’t had time to blog. Hoping to get back to doing this almost daily if not weekly.

So to briefly sum up the last 2 months:
No baby

No infertility coverage through my ins

Endo pain has been hit or miss

Now have high blood pressure

My grandfather has been sick and in and out of the hospital since mid December. We almost lost him.

I hate my job

That’s about it. I’ll get more into detail when I have time and not at work

xoxo

I’ll get into

Righty Needs to Get With the Program

Thursday was CD 11 and also my follicle scan. My appointment was at 9 but because the ultrasound tech isn’t usually in the office on Thursday mornings, I had to wait almost an hour to be seen because she had to run over to the hospital and do her morning routine. This, of course, pissed me off and made my anxiety just a little bit worse. Why not schedule my appointment at 10 then?? I was just ready to be violated by the ultrasound wand, find out if the Clomid was doing it’s job and be on my way to work. If you don’t already know, my left ovary was removed in 2009 during a laparoscopy because was just too bad and it had mangled the little guy. So I thought easy peasy lemon squeezy, only one ovary so it won’t take as long and my adhesions and endo was removed just a month and a half ago so no problems right? Wrong. As I was laying there watching my lady parts on the monitor it hit me. Lefty, my problem ovary, was the one who produced most of the follicles and they grew to the size they should’ve on the Clomid. Righty just never seemed to co-operate. I was hoping that maybe it would pick up lefty’s slack, but once again I was wrong. Righty only had 2 follicles, a 6 and a 9mm on CD 11 and my heart sank. They also found a fibroid on my cervix but there is no concern with it at this point. My lining wasn’t even as thick as it should’ve been which makes me think we (the nurse at Dr.D’s office and me) were incorrect on when exactly CD 1 was.  It doesn’t matter now though because it’s over and done with.  I can’t go back and change when I took Clomid.

Monday is CD 15 (or maybe 13 since I’m not so sure now) and I go back for another scan.  Fingers crossed that Righty has heard me talking to her and those two small follices are ripe and ready.  If not, then this cycle is scrapped and next month it’s 100 mg of Clomid.  I mentioned to Dr. D that last time we tried this I was up to 150 mg but he doesn’t think we’ll need to go that high because of the 2000mg of Metformin I seem to be tolerating on a daily basis.  Here’s to hope, prayers and just a little baby dust.

I swear I’m the side effect queen

If the medication has any possibility of giving me side effects you can bet your sweet ass I’ll have some if not most of them.

First and foremost, I am not one to take meds unless I absolutely have to. I have someone in my family very close to me who struggles with addiction to pain meds and I want no parts of ending up that way. My endo pain has to be a 15 on a scale of 1 to 10 before I’ll take the Percocet that is prescribed to me. A whole one knocks me out within an hour and once I wake up I suffer with trying to stay awake and am unable to function for almost a good 12 hours.

Depo-provera dropped my estrogen so low I was angry and crying all the time. The estrogen patch I was on to help with that gave me hot flashes, mood swings, and irritability. The post-op antibiotics gave me severe diarrhea and stomach upset. The Metformin did also until my body was use to it. It also made me dizzy and nauseous for the first two weeks. Clomid has given me hot flashes, dizziness, left me crying uncontrollably for 3 out of the 5 days I’ve taken it and a horrendous headache that I’ve had for almost 18 hours straight. Mind you, this was just 50mg. I hate to see what it’ll be like if its increased, which I’m sure it will be. So much for miss optimism right??

The time has come

With as weird as my body has been I didn’t know when CD1 would arrive.  Counting my bcp’s I knew that it could’ve been anywere between Monday (11/5) and Thursday (11/8).  Factor in the crazy spotting I had from Thursday until Saturday, and I didn’t know which day was what.  On Monday it all started again, but I was almost certain that was CD1.  I waited until yesterday to be sure and called Dr. D’s office hoping to get some answers so I could start Clomid on CD3 and schedule my CD10 follicle scan.  Between the nurse and I, we determined that Monday was indeed CD1 and I should have my scan on Wednesday the 14th.  Well, they don’t have an ultrasound tech on Wednesdays so I have to wait until Thursday the 15th and that made me a little uneasy.  I really think that maybe I should just look into an RE, but I have no idea how to go about it.  Anywho, I’ll have to keep myself occupied for the next week and stock up on OPK’s. I thought about charting my temp, but the last time around I was so bad at remembering to take it that I decided to wait.  I know its a shot in the dark for this to work for us on the first try, but it would be a wonderful Christmas gift for us to be able to share with our families.  I apologized to the boyfriend last night because I know that the baby fever has hit and I’m going to be worrying and obsessing like most of us ladies do.  I just hope we’re strong enough to make it through this journey together.

Will I ever feel like myself again?

Being back to work was rough for the first few days.  I had a hard time sitting and being comfortable in my desk chair and just when I thought I was okay I’d have to move again.  Speaking of that, getting up and down to go to the fax machine, file papers or even venture to the bathroom was a struggle also. By Wednesday (10/31) I was slowly working myself back into the swing of things although I was still so unbelievably tired by 7 pm that ll I wanted to do was come home and sleep.  Thursday was going well, until I went to the bathroom and noticed I was spotting.  I chalked it up to work related stress just because I couldn’t be starting my period. I still had 5 days of active birth control pills to take.  Friday brought on really bad cramping and pain and I had a rush of bleeding so I immediately freaked out and called Dr. D’s office.  He (of course) was out of the office until Monday so the only thing the nurse suggested was to monitor my pain and bleeding and if it was worse to go to the hospital.  Like Hell! Fuck that! The emergency room isn’t going to do anything for me, because they never do.  They usually give me a pain shot and some nausea medication and tell me to see my doctor anyway.  They don’t understand Endometriosis and the last time I had to make a middle of the night visit they didn’t even know what endo was.  I shouldn’t have to explain to a medical professional what my disease is. End. Of. Story.  But I digress… the bleeding became spotting and the spotting became non-existent until Saturday but it went away just about as quickly as it arrived.  Sunday I was in a tremendous amount of pain.  So much so I laid in bed most of the day drugged up on Vicodin.  I knew I overdid it Saturday, but for the first time in a long time I actually felt like cleaning and organizing.  Big mistake.  I just want to enjoy life again and do the everyday things I use to be able to do before the endo was so out of control that it started to take over my life.

Back To Reality

Friday’s appointment with Dr. D went well. The bleeding has finally stopped and even though i still have some pain an discomfort he’s allowing me to return to work tomorrow. He also gave me the clomid prescription and told me to call on day 10 for my follicle scan because now (right after surgery) is my best chance to get pregnant because my right ovary and tube look so well. Still not too sure how its all going to fit into my work schedule but I’ll figure it out.

I’m dreading going back to work tomorrow. Hurricane Sandy is going to pound the East Coast and we have several offices and headquarters that will be affected, my office included also even though we are several hundreds if not thousands of miles away from the ocean. Once it moves inland it’s suppose to head right for us so they’ve already posted flood watches and extreme high wind warnings starting at noon tomorrow. I’m also not looking forward to going back and trying to fit into the swing of things. I haven’t been with this company very long and am afraid I won’t remember all that I learned before surgery. I also haven’t felt well today. Lots of pain, anxiety and an upset stomach which worries me because the last thing I want to do is end up sick on my way to work or while I’m there. So i guess its bedtime. Hopefully I’ll fall asleep quick and stay asleep. Nighty night. xoxo

So many questions

My follow-up appointment is in the morning and my mind is racing. Is this damned infection gone? Will the bleeding return? How long are the side effects from the Metformin going to stick around? Are the side effects really from the Metformin or is it a combination of all the meds put together?  Should I still feel this horrible?  Why can’t I sleep? Am I ever going to be able to function like a normal human being?

Then I’ve been thinking about when I’ll finally be able to start Clomid and we can get down to business.  Is this going to make my endo worse? How do I explain to my supervisor that I’ll need to leave early or come in late several days throughout the month?  What if they won’t let me work around my appointments?  I work an hour away from my Dr’s office who is only open 8am to 4pm Mon thru Fri but I work 8:30am to 5pm Mon thru Fri.  See my dilemma? I can schedule it for the latest appointment or the earliest appointment but it still cuts at least 2 hours out of my work day that I will need to make up.  Plus I don’t know how understanding they’ll be with all the time I’ve taken off for surgery already and all the days I’ve had to leave early or come in late because of appointments.  Hopefully I’ll return to work on Monday and I just want to be as straightforward as possible with them but without going into too much detail. Any help or suggestions anyone may have would be greatly appreciated 🙂

oh my…

My mood has been up and down all day.  Happy, mad, sad, angry, somewhat okay, pissed off, emotionally unstable, anxious.  I’m tired of feeling like shit and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  My appointment with Dr. D on Friday (the 19^th) let me know that the uterine infection I contracted after surgery hadn’t gone away after taking 1000mg of Cipro and 200mg of Doxycyline daily for a week.   His new plan of attack is for me to take a different antibiotic, 500mg of Cephalexin four times a day for a week.  As for the bleeding, he put me on birth control.  I’m taking 2 tabs once a day for a week, 1 tab daily for a week and then stop.   Hopefully this works, if not, who knows what is next for me. I’ll find out when I go back to see him this Friday morning.

I wasn’t able to return to work this week as previously scheduled.  This will now put me even further in debt and possibly put my job in jeopardy.  I took a position with this company in June and according to their policy, you have to be employed with them for a year before you can qualify for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave of Absence). My 90 day probation period was up just one day after my surgery so they let me take a 30 day unpaid leave but anything longer would be up for consideration by human resources.  When I asked Dr. D about returning to work, his response was “Absolutely not. You are too tender and are having too many complications. No work until further notice.”  To me, that meant he’ll re-evaluate me at my next appointment and we’ll go from there.  That is exactly what I said to my HR contact via email (because I have no phone numbers for corporate) and his response was “I need a definite time frame.” Um…I can’t give you one if he’s evaluating me on a weekly basis.  Is that really hard to understand???  So because of this, add on more anxiety than I’m already experiencing.  Speaking of anxiety, the ugly she-monster has reared her ugly head every day since Friday.  I don’t know what seems to be triggering her, if anything at all.  It might just be all the overwhelming feelings I’m experiencing but I wish she’d be gone.  My boy, who has always been supportive and tried to help me when I’m in full panic mode, has been trying to get me to take a Xanax.  My answer is no because I currently am taking enough medication right now, and I don’t want to add something else to it.  I increased my Metformin on Friday like instructed and now am up to 2 tabs at bedtime. So if you do the math, 4 Cephalexin + 2 bc + 2 Metformin = 8 pills a day.  Now add in the ibuprofen and the Percocet for pain and it’s anywhere from 8 to 14 pills a day.  I feel like I’m a walking pharmacy and I haven’t even started on the Clomid and whatever else I’m going to have to take just to try to achieve our end goal.

I’m overwhelmed. I have cabin fever. I miss my friends. I miss being in college. I miss having a social life.   I have so many goals and yet I can’t seem to get anywhere.  This is not where I wanted to be at 30.  This is not how I pictured my life. I feel alone, sad, depressed and defeated.

Last Friday and Today

Last Friday I called Dr. D’s office and expressed my concerns with the bleeding and the amount of pain I was still having and they made me an appointment for that afternoon.  After a painful examination, he determined I must have a post-op infection and prescribed me a couple antibiotics to take for a week.  He didn’t seem to concerned about the bleeding and was hoping it would stop on it’s own before my return appointment today.   By the way, it hasn’t.  He also put me on Metformin since my lab work showed I’m highly insulin resistant.  I started on 1 tab at bedtime and am to increase by 1 tab a week until I get diarrhea from it.  Yay….not!  Do I feel better? No. I’m sluggish and tired most of the day, but it takes me forever to fall asleep because I can’t get comfortable.  Am I pain free? Absolutely not.  Last night I had sharp stabbing pains on my left side (where there is no ovary and where my endo lives) and in my uterus.

I’m scheduled to return to work on Monday.  I asked Dr. D about it last week and he said we’d discuss it today.  I know that I work in an office and sit for a majority of the day, but if I can’t stand to sit in the car for a long period of time, how am I suppose to sit at my desk? I can get up and walk around, but getting up and down is still an issue.  I would love to return to work and return to a sense of normalcy.  I hate laying around and not being able to do things.  It drives me crazy because I’ve always been a busy person.  Today should be an experience.  The boyfriend is working and my mom will not drive over an hour away to come and take me to my appointment so I’ll be driving myself.   I haven’t drove for more than 15 minutes without being uncomfortable and Dr. D’s office is an hour away. Needless to say, I’m sure I’ll be out of spoons by the time I make it to the office.